PANEL – Complex Union of Blogging and Marriage

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Love at First Site – Complex Union of Blogging and Marriage

Moderator:- Aaron Gouveia (@daddyfiles)

Panel:
Chelsea and Nate Day (@somedayilllearn)
Martha Gouveia
Andy Herald (@andyherald
Jonathan Stack (@jstack08)

Answering the question– How to grow a blog and nurturing a marriage…

Aaron — The First Question for most couples to ask
Whether or not to do this — he is public and she is private
he needed permission to put our life into the public sphere
What conversations need to happen to make this ok?

Andy:- website is a job — Graphic designer in a blended family but his content is more poopie diaper and less confessional about family life.

Martha (MJ) G: – Married to Daddyfiles for 8 years, married to Aaron for 9
There have been many heated arguments in the house – so much that she Facebook divorced Aaron 2 years ago

Jonathan :- Organized World Vasectomy Day wants to bring men into the conversation for family planning

Chelsea:- started family blog — very confessional and we need to answer

What do we keep personal and what do we share? What are the ground rules for family blog?
We decided no politics on blog – too much viral post backlash.
Must remember we have a life outside this bubble..

Nate:- moms are more strategic in what they post — men just put it out there
reach an audience but don’t want to lose audience — partner can reel in it

MJ:- when the birth of our son became a front page story, she recognized on street — worked a bank — uncomfortable with people talking bout her new son
Rules of Aaron — he can write whatever he wants but I hate people stalking me in stories — saying hi to her children and calling son by name in grocery stores

Aaron confessional:- I like to write very political, I like to drive discussion by controversial topics

Andy’s rule:- if wife not on board, then can’t do it

Sometimes writing under a fake name can stop the personal attacks especially if your family life can be threatened (Nate is a police officer and, with kids, you worry about people finding your kids)

What would be the process to get permission from exes…?

Jonathan — Must protect my kids lives — no photos or exes…
Andy — Must be a choice to keep private lives private

Do you go deep and share personal stories or stay with humorous items?

Andy :- social media is more of the fear than the blog content itself

Aaron:- What happens when a viral post puts big strain on your marriage?

MJ:- Aaron takes things to extreme — political – family, friends, all wondered if needed psych hospital? She getting stalked on street..

They had a big heart to heart – tired of answering questions –was he good father?
she didn’t want to be a part of it… she disassociation with him on line
on Facebook she went back to maiden name

She supports him 100% as they share similar values — she agrees but wouldn’t never say it

Jonathan : storm of anger usually subsides quickly — storm goes away fast

Chelsea – -easy to get off the grid and disconnect
Nate – keeping perspective is key — engaging the trolls can be therapeutic for some and then it goes away

Aaron :- is there a value in airing disagreements on line?

Must ask — What is the outcome or reason behind why we are doing this? airing dirty laundry about self but not about helping other couples?

Are kids starting to grasp the concept of daddy’s content? when do you ask their permission to talk about them?

must have conversation with kids about what is ok to go online.. schools are cruel places — kids might be confronted about mom’s abortions, miscarriages…
must have that conversations…

Marriage tested and strained by what went on line… must talk to partner FIRST!

Aaron:- in a heated rage, he blogged instead of talking to his wife… his biggest regret

Andy — better to play it safe because I don’t want to kick the anthill and bring trolls

Chelsea :- my marriage is more important than numbers
lessons to learn from your experiences
morning meetings — what are our expectations for the day?

Aaron:- I have free reign — but as site changes and writing changes as you get new audience
need to keep having the conversations of what is ok to post

Crowd question : Have you ever gone back and deleted posts?
Aaron – no — regretful posts still up — its what I felt at the time and I need to own it

MJ :- never asked him to take down or edit after a fight or disagreement– tons of trolls
let the trolls go — they want to poke to bear and you need to walk away…

FINAL POINTS

Getting viral — fine line between being irrelevant and provocative?

Don’t expect your significant other to be a reader or consumer of your work (but they support)

Nate — I have never tried to overrule Chelsea on content but I don’t know how to post to internet
Chelsea — Your blog is just a blog but your spouse is for life…

How much do you work thru before posting?
Spouse always has emergency veto power…

Jonathan :- Be aware of your righteous rage — don’t hit the publish when angry – -take a break — relax and think about it

Aaron :- if someone crosses core issues — I will be in your face until i win
Don’t feed the trolls — but they need to know they are wrong

MJ:- blurred line between online and social media– getting smaller — stalking her in grocery store — getting closer to

it is worth it? Best advice for bloggers to maintain main relationships?

MJ:- absolutely
Daddyfiles – gave voices to other people – -gave other people the courage to talk about controversial topics — very important
he needs this creative outlet — otherwise he would be a miserable prick at home
he gets energy from online people — she can give him everything he can’t get from internet (group laugh)

Chelsea – worth it — love the freedom — set expectations – helped archive our lives and reflect back

SUMMARY – take home points —
Always have the conversation with your spouse about what is ok to post.
Decide how public or private should you keep things..
Your blog and your audience is never as important as your partner and their wishes

END — transcribed by Jeff Hay (the Dad Vibe — @thedadvibe)